General and the slut have broken up! I called it, and he still wouldn't listen. "Oh. no, she loves me!" Psh. Yeah, so I was right. He still won't talk to me though. Oh well, the little MoFo had it coming.
In other news, the 4th of July was amazing. I spent it at Mini's and had a great time blowing things up. Even better, I played Texas Holdem and Old Maid all weekend for "monkeys" and won like twelve hands out of fifteen. My book is almost done and I'm very happy about that.
Oh, and Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince opens on the 15th!!!! WOOT!
"Gee Shadow, I'm your friend...I'd never do anything to hurt you...Why would I lie to you?" BECAUSE YOU'RE A JACKASS, YOU FUCKING LIAR! So General was apparently never my friend, he just wanted to use me for his own gain. Fucking typical, why do I even bother with people at all? Oh, yeah, because I'm stupid. "Don't worry, I won't let anyone tear us apart!" Until he finds some little slut who doesn't like me even though she doesn't know me at all! Yeah, what a great friend! Well, General, you can suck it you dick!
On the other side of my life we have Snoopy. Ohhhh, the little chain himself. He doesn't want me anywhere near my guy friends because I somehow BELONG to him! Well, since all my friends have decided to stab me in the back, why not just do this? FUCK YOU ALL! I constantly try and trust you because you tell me that you accept me as me, but the second someone tells you not to talk to me you drop me or the second I let you in my life, you think I'm your puppet! Well screw that, I have better things to do than to be lied to. The only ones that haven't betrayed me are Mini and Trumpet. They care, they actually won't hurt me! So all you readers out there, double check your friends!
Does life have a manual? I mean is there a book I can read that will help me with this crazy thing called my WORLD!? Ugh, probably not.
So, General is pissing me off. That girl is really screwing with his mind. I attempted to make him see the issue in him marrying her by saying I was marrying Snoopy (no, I'm not. I'm just too young and there is something coming up). Obviously, like any caring friend, he hated it and pretended to be ok with it. He still didn't get the point.
I'm basically hoping that he finally blows up on me about it so I can just tell him what an idiot he is. Maybe then he will figure out what I'm trying to get through that thick skull of his.
Snooppy is acting weird in his letters, so soon I'll be writing about that. I have decided I cannot date a guy in the service. For one, I'm way too much of an activist for any guy that is going over seas. Two, I am starting to feel absolutely unloved when I can't see the person I'm devoted to, so I've decided I need a guy my AGE! Which brings me to my next point....
I like someone in my select group at school. 47 has peaked my interest to a point that scares me. I think Opperation: Eye-Pop is going to get reaimed.
Here's the catch, he has a girlfriend. Not just a girlfriend, a cheerleading, class vice president, popular girlfriend. She isn't popular because of her looks though, more because she's rich. In reality she has really big eyebrows, a flat chest, and no ass. So he isn't dating her for her looks or gloating rights, thats for sure. She's also annoying, very rude to other girls, and she thinks she's all that and a bag of chips. Plus, I don't really feel like becoming a legend for steeling or failing to steel a guy from any girl. I'm not an idiot.
But still, I like him a lot more than I really thought I could. He's a spaz, he's really nice, he's handsome and can keep up with my psychotic tendancies. He's basically my perfect guy. But, he sees me as a buddy. I'm just the smart match chick in his class that is just as much of an adrenaline junkie as he is with longer hair. It's really bugging me, because I will start thinking about random things like school or football or going to a dance and I'll think about him. And I'm perfectly aware that he doesn't like me. So, I might as well look at someone in my ranks.
Even though I'm pretty sure he is in my league if not close to.
I also have befriended a girl in my math class. We will call her Starlet. She's sweet, she actually tries talking to me and she isn't an unpopular girl. That makes me feel happy. I know it may seem shallow, but I'm glad people are seeing me as the kind of girl I see myself as.
Do people try and push me past my limits? Or is it all just a cruel joke? "Haha Shadow, just kidding!"
So for the past few weeks, General has been dating a girl in his town and is head over heels for the chick...completely understandable. But when he is all of a sudden MARRYING that girl, that's when I lose it. I mean, I can understand promising that...but actually TELLING people is just not the brightest idea. I mean, he's not even out of high school yet. Couldn't he wait a few years?
I know, "Tell him you think he's an idiot!" So simple right? Ha, NO! I'm one of the like three people who are trying to be on his side and just let things fall through and be there when all hell breaks loose. He's looking to me to be on his side. He's counting on me to be the one person he knows will stick with him. The best chick friend. Little does he know I really think he's doing things the worst possible way. But you know, as his friend I have to be happy for him. "Yay! General good job! You're throwing your life away! Have fun!" Then of course there is the fact that I don't even think the girl will stick around. I really hate it.
Then I've got Snoopy asking me a million things about where him and I stand. He brought up dating and marriage! He tells me all this stuff and it's completely messing with my mind, because if I choose to be with him I give up every ounce of freedom I have for a guy that might not even come back, but if I choose not to be with him I can lose the one thing that isn't tearing me limb from limb. I don't remember telling him yes or no, so that's problematic.
It seems like everyone is expecting more from me than I know. It's like I'm the giving tree and that little boy is everyone I know taking everything I have. I don't know what I"m going to do.
Ok, school is getting weird. Today started like any other stupid day at school. I went to my first class, talked with the teacher and some of my friends, drank a Monster...nothing new. But then I got to my second class, Graphics, and we had some guy looking at our work. He was from some college and it was weird because my project is more difficult than the earlier ones and I finished within the hour. I showed my teacher, as I did with every assignment, and when the visitor saw mine his jaw looked like it had been unscrewed. He gawked at it and said "Well, you are one talented young girl. Keep it up." (CREEPER). So I go to English, and we do nothing other than talk and get books because tomorrow is the big state test that everyone is stressing over.
History wasn't so boring today. We reviewed and talked mostly.
Math, I spent most of my time with 47 and a kid in my class (we will call him Dummy) trying to fix the speakers to our teachers computer so we could watch The Longest Yard. Needless to say, after forty minutes we finally get the son of a bitch working, we spend about ten minutes watching the movie then class ended and I went to my last class where I set up for the test.
In my last class, there are two other students. A freshman (we will call him Manga) and a senior (we will call him V). On a regular day we sit at the desk and talk, help the librarian and just fly through the last hour. Today, it was a little different. For one, I wore a rather different top that caught V's attention and two, V was very mysterious. Ugh.
It's weird because he never seems to notice me outside of class and even then he merely has no one else to talk to. So seeing his reaction to my shirt was pretty flattering. He'll never admit it but his eyes got huge. I'm thinking of ingenius plots.
Ok, so this is my plan. I constantly feel like I am invisible at school, so if I get a reaction out of him again it will be entertaining. So I am deploying my Opperation: Eye-Pop. I've got the body, this may work out in my favor.
Next week is a fair in my town. I'm going with people which will be fun. Mini is going to be coming down to go which will be cool.
Check back tomorrow for my results of my plan. Till then, readers, have a good night.
Alright, so Snoopy (my closest guy friend who is in the army and far away from me) gets his cell phone today. That makes me happy because he will be calling me. But the sucky part is, my phone is acting up.
To be honest, my phone is a piece of crap hand-me-down that I got stuck with because my not so crappy old hand-me-down phone broke about three months ago. It doesn't like me to answer my phone so rather than set off my ringtone, it just sits there with a flashing screen.
I haven't heard his voice in about two weeks and that is bothering me so much. I've sent at least six letters and four pictures to him, so I'm expecting a bunch of letters soon.
Anyways, to the hugely sucky part...It's Sunday, my last day of freedom until I go back to school. That depresses me because, unlike every other girl my age, I have to pretend to be content. I have to face everyone and put on such a thick facade that sometimes I forget who I am. I am glad about one thing, though. I get to go to math. That may sound totally retarded to you readers, but I've got the best grade in that class, people who talk to me and like the REAL me, and there is a game I play with a few of the guys in that class. Not to mention, m teacher is the coolest guy ever.
What I really don't want to go to is my History class. UGH! It's like pergatory only you KNOW it can't get any worse. We are reviewing for the biggest school wide test ever and our brain dead teacher, god bless her, can't keep the class under control long enough to really teach. I feel like I'm in the Peanuts Gang and the teacher sounds like "Whah whah wha, whah wah, wha whah". At least I'm smart enough to read the chapters on my own.
Thank god we only have a few more weeks left until summer. I am looking forward to sitting on my bum for weeks. But in July I start summer school (EW) and that blows harder than anything. I'm happy to know that next year I will be a senior (bow down, now underclassmen!) but upset that some of the people I enjoy are graduating. That is probably the only reason I"m going to graduation this year. That and an old friend of mine is going.
Well, tomorrow there will be, more than likely, a lot on how much I hate school. So stay tuned for another morbidly interesting day for Shadow...UGH!
I'm Shadow...well, at least to you, I am just a shadow. My parents have a name for me, but it never really fit me in a way it should have. I am a teen and go to high school. I'm involved in things in school, I'm actually fairly pretty, I have ok grades, I'm not a druggy or smoker or drinker, I'm logical and kind... ...But I guess it's not enough to be noticed. At my school, I'm just another kid who takes up space. I don't get invited to parties, I don't have a boyfriend, I don't fit in, I don't stand out, I'm not the smartest kid on campus, I'm not a jock, I'm not even the mascot. I'm just Shadow. My "followers" (or at least the people who seem obsessed by how cool I seem to be) really only want me around because then they think my "coolness" rubs off on them. My "friends" (or rather, the people I actually think are cool and entertaining) only put up with me because they feel bad that I'm always seen as a geek. Basically I'm in between charity case and popular. ...That is the most unbelievably horrible place to be... I do have real friends, of course. People that I always go to with my big problems or to just feel better. My friends General, Trumpet, Snoopy and Mini are amazing. Unfortunately, they don't go to my school...they don't even live in my city. I'm all alone in this town that I've been exiled to. I know, "Haven't you tried to make friends?", "Why don't you join a team or a club?", "Why not go out and make friends?". I've been trying to make friends since I was in the first grade, all that got me was the pain of rejection. I am in a club and on a team, but they just see a loser in the team, a god in the club; no one really likes me, they just like how cool I look or make them look. I go out every weekend to a dance club but it still never makes a difference. I guess it's all about how rich or talented you are. Sadly, I am talented. I can do makeup and hair like you've never seen. I write stories like a bird sings. I design clothes like a pro. I act like I've been trained by Hollywood's best! But, it gets me nowhere at school. To be honest, I wonder sometimes if I'm just missing some giant flaw or stupid thing that prevents me from fitting in, but for as long as I can remember I have been stuck in between worlds. What's hilarious is that I can talk to anyone! I have no problems talking to people, no matter what clique or level they are in. I've dated the most popular guy in school and talk to the star football players like they are friends, I treat the geeks and nerds with respect and don't deminish them. I'm just nice to people... Well, people that don't deminish me. There are people that like to use me to boost their self esteem, which I hate more because I really think these people are ugly, stupid, annoying and fat rather than that they are dissing me. I couldn't care less about being put down if they were better than me...but they aren't. Of course there are people I prefer more than others, like my friends Dancer, Genius, Sprinter, 47, and Kicks. They treat me well and don't look down on me or pity me. They just talk to me. I can deal with them more than others. This blog is mainly for you guys (the geeks, popular kids, losers and others like me) to see what it's like to be the odd-one-out. It's for you guys to know how it feels being alone in a world that is so massively populated. It's for you to feel Alone Like Me...